Saturday, March 21, 2009

God is Merciful

For the last few weeks, I have been holding back in sharing one of the current events in our life. I think maybe as I try to sort out my thoughts and feelings here, you might understand why.
I am 9 weeks pregnant. Usually this is cause for rejoicing, etc. and we have done some of that. The trepidation comes in because last year in May, at 11 weeks pregnant, I miscarried.
Usually, with the pregnancies of my five girls, when I saw a positive pregnancy test, there was the excitement and also the feeling of "there's no going back now"!
Last year, getting pregnant was a surprise. We were in the middle of building a house, anticipating moving, (which we did in July) and at first I felt a little snowed under. Then I thought, "Really, it's no extra work, being pregnant. I'll just pace myself, not feel as good, but we'd be settled in before the birth." That led me to realizing that it is really God who carries a baby in the womb, forming them etc. So I rested my care on Him.
I had never had complications with a pregnancy before, so it was a complete shock when I started spotting and after 5 days of taking it easy, I lost it. By this time I was adding up the fact that I had been having less then normal nausea, hadn't thickened in the waist as much as I had expected by then, etc. Through it all, God was very gracious to me.
So... back to now.
When I realized I was pregnant, I had this feeling that it's not for sure, until I'm past that 11 week mark. I find myself analyzing how nauseous I do or don't feel. I've let myself be laid back and lazy. I have not felt very nauseous. The beginning of this week I started spotting, just the tiniest bit... then Wednesday it all of the sudden increased. But Tuesday I felt really gaggy and I told my husband this was the first day I really felt pregnant! It made me feel better to feel worse! (But I don't like feeling bad...)
Anyway, my midwife has me taking some things that stopped the faint low back ache (cramps) and the bleeding slowed almost to a stop yesterday. I eased up on the quantity of herbs and it got worse again, so I am back to full dose and waiting it out. I have not lost the pregnancy yet, but I worry about what is actually going on in there. I am literally waiting on the Lord, and I know it is He who is forming this child, it is in His care.
Before all of this happened, since last fall, really, and a dream I had about the mercy of God, I have been pondering mercy. Then I read a book called "A Severe Mercy" by Sheldon Vanauken that I loved and it endeared the mercy of God to me even more. Quite often the thought that His mercies are new every morning, has lingered in my heart. Because of this, and everything, I have thought, if this baby is a girl (like they all have been!:)) I would like to name her something that means "God is merciful" or Mercy Dawn...
As the events of this week have unfolded, it seems like God has been quiet, except the continuous thought - God is merciful...
I would like this interpretted, as in, what will Him being merciful look like in this situation? I feel like I'm yielded to His will, but it would be nice to know, to not be in limbo. Another thought I have, is in past experiences I have felt God saying to me that we have a choice about what we believe about Him, who we believe Him to be? In times past I have been ashamed of my unbelief, when He worked marvelously in my behalf. That has led me to see I don't really expect Him to be good, when really there is none good, but God! At the same time I hesitate to "name it, claim it" or be arrogant in my own mind in any way...
In sharing all this while in the process, I guess I am choosing to include you this journey. My heart's prayer is always, that the journey that I walk in would make me more like Him, not more like myself. I want to let go of wrong ways of thinking, of unbelief, of fear, of dread, etc. and embrace God and let who He is be my stay.
By nature I am not like "Anne of Green Gables". Somewhat like Marilla, I like flying but I can definitely do without the thud. I guess I'm scared to hope, but again what does that tell you about my trust in God. It is so very small! Lord, help my unbelief!
I do believe God is merciful and His mercy is a thing of beauty! I like the Kathryn Scott song, "At the Foot of the Cross".
At the foot of the cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love
Through the judgement You received
Cho. - And You've won my heart
Yes, You've won my heart
Now I can...
Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross
At the foot of the cross
Where I am made complete
You have given me life
Through the death You bore for me
I'm laying every burden down
I'm laying every burden down
Meet me at the foot of the cross. That's where I want to live!

1 comment:

Coriander said...

Good to hear your news! We will be praying. Thanks for sharing!