Happy Birthday, Carolie!

Dear Carolie Joy, January 17, 20o9
Happiest of Birthdays to you!
For nine months you occupied my womb. The miracle of it still amazes me. Then you were here occupying my arms and lap. You felt so good! Your life was a message from God to me, to trust Him always, and no matter what, to hope in Him!
For 17& 1/2 months, I called you mine.
You are still here, just not in my arms anymore. You are where you've always been for 11 years and 9 months, in my heart. You took up permanent residence there, for all eternity.
Have you seen Cal? I asked him, if he saw you, to give you hugs and kisses from me.
I'm so glad Jesus has you in His care. I'm so glad God shared you with me. Holding you and letting you go has effected me. Your leaving was a message too.
As much as I long to feel your heartbeat, that's how much God longs to feel His heartbeat in me, for me to truly live!
I am determined not to waste your life - to get God's message, to fulfill His longing! I know one day He will fulfill mine too.
I miss you so much.
Love forever and always,
Mama

Confessions and Repentings of a Recovering "Virtuous Woman"...

A few mornings ago, I woke up very early with a lot of thoughts and feelings stirring round and round in my heart. I finally decided to get up and start writing. It was 3:45 a.m. and 4 hours later I was done. I decided to go ahead and share here most of what I wrote... it's long and personal. I feel like somehow God helped me to put into words what has been going on inside of me for some years now. It helps me to see it in black and white. I also feel like in the last week God has been moving me to repeatedly refuse my own wisdom and strength, and choose Him! I welcome questions and comments.

Isaiah 30:15
In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and confidence shall be your strength.
It’s not because of what I’ve done, but because of who You are, God, that You have dealt so bountifully with me.
When you potty train a child, you reward them with a treat when they manage their task. The treat is not because they did it, but to teach them, to confirm - "Yes, this is what I mean, you are catching on, continue in this way."
When God rewards us for diligently seeking Him, He does the same thing. He is not saying, by blessing us, "You are to be congratulated for seeking Me." He is in effect saying, "Yes, seek Me, love Me, this is the way for you to live. Keep coming - keep seeking - keep discovering what My life in you means.
All my life I have wanted to be who God wants me to be. I have practiced godly virtues because that’s what godly women do, right?
Be hospitable... Be submissive... Be frugal... Be industrious... Be patient... Be content... and the list goes on.
I did not realize that these virtues are not a means to an end. They are a fruit. I thought by being each of these things, I would more closely be a godly woman. I practiced these virtues. Honestly, I think I succeeded quite well and enjoyed feeling virtuous. I grew up in such a way that it wasn’t that difficult for me.
But all things that do not have their origin in Christ come to an end. At some point our natural strength and ability (by the grace of God) comes to an end.
Many times as I neared exhaustion, wondering how much more I could take, I would cry out to God for help. I realized I must be doing this in my own strength, because God’s doesn’t come to an end. In His grace and mercy, He would renew me as I looked to Him and I would pick up where I left off.
But somewhere this cycle had to end. God’s mercy has to be severe at times. God allowed circumstances in my life that hedged me in to Him, where there was no way I could rely on myself.
It has been quite a journey, taking one step at a time in obedience, working out my own salvation with fear and trembling. I have had to let go of my desire (shocker!) to be a virtuous woman, and desire only Him!
I have had to realize that part of my desire to be a godly woman was motivated by a desire to be seen and known as a godly woman. Right there pride enters and we know how God feels about the proud!
I have had to learn that the way I led my "godly" life was actually feeding my fleshly self, the old creature in me, on anything but a starvation diet! I was indeed, the very definition of "self-righteous".
All the while, I looked good, lived right, and fit in with other Christians, was even admired to a certain extent. Meanwhile, God was leaving me more and more to my own "godly" devices (vices?). I was dying a slow death on the inside.
One of the thoughts that stands out to me, that God began using to get me to see my need was this.
At the wedding in Cana, Mary instructed the servants, "Whatever He says to you, that do."
An author I read said it this way, and it stuck. "Whatever He says to you, that do. No more, no less. Mine is the doing, when He says the word. His, is the bringing to pass."
By the grace of God I began to live by this simple thought. Jesus said He did nothing of Himself, only what the Father said. (His word is life.)
It led me to having to die to myself, my godly reputation was also not left untouched. In requiring my complete love, submission and obedience to be towards Him, God had to wean me from my other loves/motivations, godly virtues though they may have been. He brought me to smell the stench of my own self-righteousness, to repent of putting my hand to His ark, (Are we not the temple?) even my own self.
God did not send His Son into the world, so that men and women could lead clean, virtuous, holy, pure lives. Jesus came to restore us to the Father. When we live and move and have our being in God, He flows out through us. He is the Author and Originator of virtue.
I had to "diet" from being and feeling virtuous. Believe me, God knows how to slowly and surely reveal to us our need of Him, our desperate need!
It is a long story. A moment by moment, day by day, often agonizing journey that I think is probably something like an alcoholic goes through when he quits drinking.
The prayer of my heart is always, "Search me, O God, and know my heart. Try me and know my thoughts. See if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
Even this telling, confessing, is a part of the process of refusing any righteousness but Christ’s.
I hear and see so much in the Christian scene that tells me I am not the only one. We are even taught to be virtuous. There’s much information on what virtuous looks like, sounds like, and how to’s.
God simply desires us to draw near to Him, to let go of our reputation, desires, identities, everything, and turn to Him. He wants us to be to Him, a people, so that He can be God to us. If we doggedly endeavor in ourselves to serve Him, we miss the point.
My favorite verse since I was a teenager has been, "We love Him because He first loved us." Such a simple verse, but so profound! I now know God is saying to me, everything must originate from Him, or it is of no value, no matter how good or godly it seems. He even keeps astonishing me by showing me more areas. It is such a joy to keep discovering God to be sufficient for all. Like the old hymn says, "Jesus Christ is made to me, all I need."
In my life, that looks like this:
- Choosing dependance on God for training my children in His way. I don’t turn to child- training books. They are His children and it is delightful to experience Him working in them. He turns our hearts towards Himself together. God, by His Holy Spirit teaches us and He has instruction for every type of child, and all the situations the child training book didn’t cover.
Most times it seems like He deals with me first. As I lay down my life to Him, His hands are untied to work mightily, once mine are out of the way.
- Choosing dependance on God in home-schooling my children, for me means trusting God has a plan for each of their lives and will direct and guide me in all aspects.
- In housekeeping, the simplest way to put it is to keep house for God. Sometimes that means leaving the mess and clutter and reading a book, even though that doesn’t feel virtuous. It also means God knows when unexpected company is coming, He can have you all prepared, everything tidy.
Warning: He also knows if you are finding identity in being a good housekeeper, or if you care a lot what others think.
We just have to keep our heart turned to God. He is very efficient and organization is a snap to Him. If you do what He tells you, He’ll tell you what to do.
- Shopping - this is an area God has made Himself known to me in, over and over. The times I’ve bought foods I don’t usually buy (or quantities of it) only to have unexpected guests and the menu was simple easy and yummy because of those very items. (There is so no agonizing over being organized and being prepared in the event of...)
The simple thought and request to God, "Please lead me and be for and in and through me what I need."
- Loving my husband - This one’s a biggie! If your heart is submissive to God, He will not fail you. God knew my heart and our future when He led us in writing our vows for our wedding. I covenanted my life first to my Lord Jesus, and then to my husband.
In being obedient to God, He has asked things of me that went against my husband. In fear and trembling I laid down my life, trusting God to steer me right. We have had hard water go under our bridge, but God has amazed me with how He knows all and works in deeper and more far-reaching ways than I could imagine. In being chaste to God there is power. In quietness and confidence shall be your strength.
God has been working in our lives. If we had to choose a scripture to portray what He’s working on, it would be this one: "Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it." I labored many years, protecting the relationship we had, when eventually God helped me see I needed to let go, so He could give us more. God is no shoddy builder! Praise You!
- Friendships - That’s a scary one for me! Like Michael Card’s song says, "Only a friend can betray a friend, a stranger has nothing to gain."
Jesus Christ is our Wonderful Counselor. Our government shall be upon His shoulders. I must let Him govern me! To be a true friend one must be true to Christ and love the truth. Only in being nothing, and Him, everything, can I really love anyone truly. He will steer us through the rocks of superficial friendship to the real mcCoy of laying down our lives.
So many subjects, so much need of Him - yet He is sufficient!
He is enough, and I am in Him.
So today, God... as I sit here writing, daylight is dawning. This is Your day. What should I do today? Please lead me. Thanks for sermons in a kernel of corn, for beautiful shiny counter top that inspires me to clear it off... Thanks so much, Daddy God, for knowing me and caring, for bringing me York mint patties like my earth Daddy did, in all aspects of my life. I’m forever grateful.
Today, please show me how to express that gratitude through my actions. Teach my girls, too. They need You like I do. I choose this day, to be Yours. I want to spend the day before Your throne, at Your feet. Let the alabaster box that is my life be broken for You. I have no other gift. May the love that You have given me, rise back to You like incense.

After writing this, I went to read in a devotional, "Springs in the Valley" by Mrs. Charles Cowman and was amazed at what I read. If you have the book, it was Jan.7. If not, and you want to hear it, let me know and I'll copy it in another post. Needless to say, it directly addressed what was happening in my heart! I love it when God does that!

Profession

Have you ever watched the movie that came out the summer of 2007 called "Ratatouille"?
If you have, did it do anything to you besides make you laugh and feel hungry? I've just been thinking about it again and want to ruminate on it a bit.
Actually, rather then me saying too much... think of us as being the young boy who doesn't know how to "cook" and the Holy Spirit of God being like Remy. I so long for God to "cook" through me, to delight folks with Himself! As in the movie, there is much temptation to take the credit for the good things that come from our lives when Christ is in us. But... there is huge freedom that Satan doesn't want us finding out about, in being content to be a vessel, to in fact be nothing, but available.
As at the wedding in Cana, let's hear the words of Mary to the servants, "Whatever He says to you, that do." No more, no less.
I want to confess that in my life God has convicted me over and over of doing more than He says. Therein lies the potential for self righteousness!!!
Major W. Ian Thomas says that "responsibility does not rest heavily on a dead persons shoulders". Our "government" (what governs me) needs to rest on whose shoulders?
In all the issues that I face, here at home with my children, cooking meals, keeping everyone dressed and combed, cleaning house, homeschool, training children, relationships, being the wife and mother that God wants me to be, God wants me to let it all rest on His shoulders. In seeking Him, being dead, yet nevertheless living and moving and having my being in Him, I will find all I need to fulfill each task/position.
I want to state, here before all of you as witnesses, that I choose God. I will not depend on my own strength. I will not find my identity in whether my house is clean or cluttered, whether I am hospitable, efficient or not, organized or disorganized. I will not care what people think, only about who I am in Your eyes, Father. I will submit to You, as You continue to reveal to me all that needs to be surrendered to You. You will be my "unit study", not only in homeschooling my children, but in all of my life. I will trust You to be able and willing to to live through me, to be the wife my husband needs me to be, to love and raise my girls at Your moment by moment leading. I place my fears, my hopes, my needs, my lacks, my knowledge, in Your hands, to sift and do with as You will. You are my God. I want to be to You, a people. I want to be the chick that will come under Your wings and abide there. You have already proved Yourself to me more than I could ever deserve! I choose to depend on You! I owe my life to You, quite literally. All I am, or ever hope to be must come from You. I do not seek to be virtuous, except with the virtue that flows out from You. Let me lose my life and find it, Lord, in You, in continually deeper measure. I choose to walk humbly with You, no matter what! I believe in you, help Thou mine unbelief! I am amazed by Your mercy, astonished by Your patience, overwhelmed by Your lovingkindness. I am grateful for Your forgiveness, strengthened by Your joy, in awe of the grace You extend to me. I am forever indebted to Your faithfulness. OH GOD! Why me!?! Why are You so lavish with me? Your goodness is too much for me to comprehend!
May Your kingdom be forever established in my heart, yours to rule! I give You my allegiance, now and always. I covenant my self to You. Please never let me be the boss.

I never knew this post would end up being what it is... but God! There are no more words, only tears...

Happiest of New Years to You!

On New Year's Day I always think of a poem I memorized in grade school... it is amazing what lodges in our hearts at young ages and effects us for life!
Here it is as close as I can remember it, I can't recall the author.

I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year.

"Give me a light, that I may tread safely into the unknown."

He said to me, "Put your hand into the hand of God.

That will be to you better than light

And safer than a known way."

"Happy New Year" is actually quite a light wish, most often casually spoken. True fulfillment is sometimes quite elusive.

Ephesians 2:4-7 says:

"But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in sins, made us alive together with Christ (By grace you have been saved), and raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus."

Look at what God has accomplished for us to walk in if we choose to... what richness comes to us in Christ! Notice how the word "together" is used over and over and consider what is in God's heart.

This is our "Happy New Year!" from God. Let's accept it - take it!

Contentment?

A fellow blogger has raised the subject of contentment, so I have been pondering it some. I 'm going to throw out my thoughts and you'll have to "scrapbook" with them. (A friend 's term I have adopted, as it is quite frequently fitting when you have many thoughts and haven't yet compiled them cohesively)
Paul said (in Phil.4:11-) "I have learned... to be content... through Christ who strengthens me." There's food for thought...
It seems we have a choice (1 Tim. 6:6-) with vastly different consequences.
Hebrews 13:5 says ...be content...for He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." That's a lot to content ourselves with, if we are truly experiencing Him with us!! It's not like we are settling for something small!
If we walk in delighting ourselves in the Lord, we know true contentment. We learn it. Years ago when I was single, I ran across a book that was titled "Single and Satisfied". I never did read the whole thing, because even the title was enough to stir my thoughts sufficiently. The gist of it was that you will never find satisfaction/fulfilment in anything outside of "Christ in you". If you aren't satisfied single, then you won't be, married, or with children, or the new job, etc. Boy, do we find that out!!!! It's a life lesson we do well to learn early!
For those who don't know me well, you'll notice my blog is full of pictures of my new house, still a work in progress. You can think... it's easy for her to be content!
Well, I lived in a 14'x70' mobile home for almost 13 years, and I can honestly say I was content and even cried when the mobile home left our yard. God sheltered us through so much in those walls... the births of our 5 daughters... the death of one...
There have been days already in my new home when I have felt utterly discontent and you know when it was?!? When I was feeling alienated from God, in a dark day... I can promise you the contentment we can walk in has nothing to do with what's outside of us, but what is inside. (or should I say, what's not inside!)
The truth is, when we desire Him and delight in Him, He delights in filling and fulfilling us, in our heart of hearts! We are also told we "must believe that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him." The title of my blog is sort of the story of my life! It seems every time I dare to believe God further, to give over yet more to Him, to count myself nothing and Him everything, He responds in ways that astonish me! God want us to truly believe He is who He says He is, even if what we experience makes no sense at times. He wants to be able to safely pour Himself out on us and in us and He can't do that until we can say with Job, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him."
This last weekend we had a friend here to visit. A single mother with two children that has gone through so much and continues to let God go deeper in her heart and life. I was humbled to experience what God did here amongst us. Father, YOU ARE WORTHY TO BE PRAISED!
Someone once said to us: We have as much of God as we want!
Part of me wanted to argue with that but somehow I couldn't...
May we say with John the Baptist: "HE MUST INCREASE, BUT I MUST DECREASE!"
God bless us everyone in that endeavor!
Psalm 139:24

HARK!

HARK! What mean those holy voices sweetly sounding through the skies? Out of the empty place over the Judean hills appeared the angel of the Lord, radiating glory as only the majesty of highest calling has acquainted itself. What has happened to the message of the angel?
"Behold I bring you glad tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David, a Saviour which is Christ the Lord. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying; 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth, peace, goodwill toward men." Luke 2 KJV
Perhaps to our generation the message has been, more often than not, a voice over the speaker system, a carol that slipped over the tongue of the singer, or a quote from the scripture on Christmas morning by the pastor from the local assembly.
The message to the men of that day (and God willing our day) was an announcement of the coming of a saviour. Appearing first as a child, then as a saviour, he was to save men from this present world, delivering us out of the captivity of the infirmity and oppression of the powers of this world.
One does not have to look far to see many held captive; slaves to alcohol, drugs, lust, power, love of money, station, and many also suffering from physical sickness and disabilities such as the blind, deaf, dumb, paraplegic, crippled, cancer, aids, and a host of other diseases. Many go to bed hungry at night, rising each day to great want. Countless others are held captive to authority of state and government based upon the principles of the base (or) elementary world. (The system of men who rule by force.)
We have not yet touched on another great captivity... the confusion of false religions, great systems of religiosity with much profession but little power, if any, to the deliverance of the captives.
Was this message just a traditional Christmas story or was it, after all, a salvation message to a world caught in the clutches of great apostasy? (a falling away from God) The fact of the matter is, that the generation that heard the message saw the eyes of the blind opened, the deaf heard, the crippled were made whole, the dead were raised, false religion was exposed, the rich man gloried in his humiliation, and the poor man rejoiced in his riches. Social status and walls crumbled as men left their tax tables and fish nets for the greatest cause of all time. Finally the heart of the matter had been reached, the matter of the heart! The sanctuary of the heart was cleansed and men were set free from the bondage of "the old man". Jesus Christ led captivity captive and gave gifts unto men. The kingdom of God was not in word, but in power.

POWER TO THE DELIVERANCE OF THE CAPTIVE!

HARK! What means that voice today? The whole creation is groaning and travailing, awaiting the manifestation of the sons of God. Jesus has shown us the way through, by way of the cross. The power is in His life. That is the mystery. His life was exemplary. Every victory is first won in the heart. It was through love that He conquered, as a leader with noblest character.

All of mankind loves the true hero, one who overcomes tremendous odds to pursue an unlikely cause and come out a victor, overwhelmingly conquering the impossible. Jesus Christ, the greatest leader of all ages is again calling for a volunteer army of MEN who will follow all the way through the death of the self life to the resurrection power of the overcoming life, revealing the nature of Jesus in his "sons", confirmed by a powerful deliverance after the original pattern.

We have heard the words, BUT HAVE WE HEARD THE MESSAGE?!

by Gary Isaac

I like to reread this always, this time of year...please God, may we have ears to hear and hearts to obey!!!

Abigail's 2nd Birthday!

Abigail is 2 years old now! Dec.11 at 11:27 a.m. !Here's a pic of her opening a present.

She was quite impressed! She, like all her sisters before her, always pulls out anything I put in her hair. This is her usual look!

She has a 100 watt smile! We lit the candles a couple times to prolong the fun...

Here she is ready for bed and we were watching an episode of Tales from Avonlea. Daddy had given her a shower and she wanted a bow in her hair. She wanted it out again shortly after! Hey, it was good while it lasted! She's a real sweetie and quite a corker!